I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
