Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
