Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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