There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
