I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
