I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
