please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I did not marry a roomba.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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