just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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