Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
