put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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