just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
