if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My breasts were aching with rage.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
