dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I could make wine with my vomit
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
