Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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