I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
