Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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