my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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