And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
