my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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