can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
