Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
