A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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