you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
