I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
