At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
