I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
