Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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