She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I think i got beer on your cat.
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