I am puke
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
