I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
