I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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