apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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