theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
