a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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