cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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