if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
