I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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