fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
