oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
