meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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