Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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