I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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