We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
