i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
