I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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