Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
