i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
