Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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