Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
