He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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