where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
