I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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