I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
