that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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