hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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