he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
