I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
