I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
