i don't like sucking hair
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
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