I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
